STUPID PEOPLE TRICKS

1.  Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2.  The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

3.  A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

4.  Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

5.  A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse
in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

6.  Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.  Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

7.  When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

8. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

Rodney Dangerfield's best one liners:

 A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's
 nobody home. I went over............. Nobody was home.

 If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.

 And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing  to play with.

 During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.
Just the other night, she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that  for?
He said ....  Because you came home early.

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

 I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

 My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

 My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

 When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said  to my father ....
I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ...but he pulled through. 

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.
He said he wanted more proof.

 Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me  find my parents.
 I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find  them?
 He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide.

 My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

 I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

 I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look
 in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He
 said..." I don't know... but your eyesight is perfect."

 My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't
 mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly  too!

 When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me over
 and said. Look ... twins!

 I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told
 me to have a few drinks and get some rest.