Marriage Quotes

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.
Molly McGee

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
Mickey Rooney

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
Helen Rowland

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

Love Quotes

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonnette

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henry Youngman

It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.
Laurence J. Peter

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
John Barrymore

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
Robert Frost

A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That's basic spelling that every woman ought to know.

Absence -- that common cure of love.
Miguel De Cervantes

Life Quotes

To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.
Janet Coleman

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Andy Rooney

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
George Carlin

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
-- Paul Beatty

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.
Joey Adams

Children Quotes

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Clarence Darrow

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
Bill Maher

To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.
Ernest Hemingway

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.
Quentin Crisp

There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age.
Benjamin Spock

I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
Nancy Mitford

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

Age Quotes

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
Bob Hope

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
Sir Norman Wisdom

Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too too late.
Mike Tyson

You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
John Mendoza

As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.
Robert Quillen

People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body.
Geoffrey Parfitt

New Relationship Book

"My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our
relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'" - Unknown

New Women's Study

There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.
85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married..
10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married..
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.