My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
When a man brings his wife flowers for no
reason, there's a reason.
Always get married early in the morning.
That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't
wasted a whole day.
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the
altar, a practice that still continues.
Getting married is very much like going to
a restaurant with friends. You order what
you want, then when you see what the other
fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better
prepared for marriage. They've experienced
pain and bought jewelry.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter
of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats
me like toxic waste.
I've been in love with the same woman for
forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll
It's better to have loved and lost than to
do forty pounds of laundry a week.
Laurence J. Peter
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If love is the answer, could you rephrase
Love is the delightful interval between meeting
a beautiful girl and discovering that she
looks like a haddock.
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly
A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or
an exclamation point. That's basic spelling
that every woman ought to know.
Absence -- that common cure of love.
Miguel De Cervantes
To solve the human equation, we need to add
love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide
between truth and error.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50
chance of getting something right, there's
a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
The day after tomorrow is the third day of
the rest of your life.
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate
the trap door.
-- Paul Beatty
In life, it's not who you know that's important,
it's how your wife found out.
The first half of our life is ruined by our
parents and the second half by our children.
Kids. They're not easy. But there has to
be some penalty for sex.
To be a successful father there's one absolute
rule: when you have a kid, don't look at
it for the first two years.
The trouble with children is that they're
There are only two things a child will share
willingly -- communicable diseases and his
I love children, especially when they cry,
for then someone takes them away.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's
lives teaching them to walk and talk and
the next twelve telling them to sit down
and shut up.
I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
As you get older three things happen. The
first is your memory goes, and I can't remember
the other two...
Sir Norman Wisdom
Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you?
Old too soon...smart too late.
You know you're getting fat when you can
pinch an inch on your forehead.
As we grow older, our bodies get shorter
and our anecdotes longer.
People say that age is just a state of mind.
I say it's more about the state of your body.
New Relationship Book
"My wife suggested a book for me to
read to enhance our
relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from
Venus, Men are Wrong.'" - Unknown
New Women's Study
There is a new study out about women. I thought
these results were pretty interesting.
85% of women think their ass has grown too
big since getting married..
10% of women think their ass is just as big
as it was when they got married..
The other 5% say that they don't care, they
love him and would have married him anyway.