"The real meaning behind the abbreviations
in personal ads:"
FIRST THE ADS FROM WOMEN
40-ish.................. 48
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners
than you ever will
Athletic................ Flat-chested
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
Free spirit............. Substance user
Friendship first........ Trying to live down
reputation as slut
Fun..................... Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
New-Age................. All body hair, all
the time
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary
position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................ Loud
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet.................... Depressive
Schzophrenic Professional............ Real
Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol
section
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
Romantic................ Looks better by
candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height..................Hugely
Fat
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from
stalking
Widow................... Nagged first husband
to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone
-
THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
40-ish.................. 52 and looking for
25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch
and watches ESPN
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth
on ears, nose, & back
Educated................ Will always treat
you like an idiot
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your
sister
Friendship first........ As long as friendship
involves nudity
Fun..................... Good with a remote
and a six pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest.................. Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more
body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly
dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to
know him
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with
your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of
time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet.................... Has written on a
bathroom stall
Spiritual............... Once went to church
with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable.................. Occasional stalker,
but never arrested
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please"
when demanding a beer
Lion Tamer
Two unemployed guys are talking. One says,
"I'm going to become a lion tamer."
The other replies, "That's crazy, you
don't know nothing about no lion taming."
"Yes I do!"
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one
of those lions comes at you all roaring and
biting, what you gonna do?"
"Well, then I take that big chair they
all carry, and I stick it in his face until
he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes that big
paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws,
and throws that chair out of the cage? What
do you do then?"
"Well, then I takes that whip they all
carry, and I whip him and whip him until
he backs down."
"Well, what if that lion bites that
whip with his big teeth, and bites it in
two? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, then I take that gun they all
carry, and I shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work?
What will you do then?"
"Well, then I pick up some of the shit
that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw
it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage."
"Well, what if there ain't no shit in
the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do
then?"
"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion
comes at me, and he throws the chair out
of the cage, and he bites the whip in two,
and my gun don't work, there's going to be
some shit on the bottom of that cage, you
can bet on that."
0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding
anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect
to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds
AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left
for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough
there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran
out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom
scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries
A woman awakes during the night to find that
her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs
to look for him. She finds him sitting at
the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in
front him. He appears deep in thought, just
staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes
a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she
whispers as she steps into the room. "Why
are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember
20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband
is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I
do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming
easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of
my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife,
lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember
when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said,
"Either you marry my daughter, or I
will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies
softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and
says... "I would have gotten out today!"