To Ten Signs That You've Had Too Much Coffee!

1. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer
2. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
3. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
4. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
5. Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
6. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
7. You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."
8. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop
9. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
10. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

My Fave Top 14 Oxymorons

1. Government Worker
2. Legally drunk
3. Exact estimate
4. Act naturally
5. Found missing
6. Resident alien
7. Genuine imitation
8. Sanitary landfill
9. Good grief
10. Passive aggression
11. Plastic glasses
12. Pretty ugly
13. Rap music
14. Microsoft Works

A Few Things To Ponder Over

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light" ?
Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?
Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in New York.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

Social Security

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."