The Secret To Living A Long Life?
Seen in my local paper's "readers sales"
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica.
45 Volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer.
Reason for sale:- No longer required.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows F**king everything.
While going through his wife's dresser drawers,
a farmer discovered three soybeans and an
envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer
confronted his wife, and when asked about
the curious items, she confessed:
"Over the years, I haven't been completely
faithful to you."
"When I did fool around, I put a soybean
in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion,"
The farmer admitted that he had not always
been faithful either, and therefore, was
inclined to forgive and forget a few moments
of weakness in his wife.
"I'm curious though," he said,
"Where did the thirty dollars come from?"
"Oh that, " his wife replied, "Well,
when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached
the pastor with an unusual offer:
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll
change the wedding vows. When you get to
the part where I'm supposed to promise to
'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to
her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd
just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked
On the day of the wedding, when it came time
for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the
young man in the eye and said: "Will
you promise to prostrate yourself before
her, obey her every command and wish, serve
her breakfast in bed every morning of your
life, and swear eternally before God and
your lovely wife that you will not ever even
look at another woman, as long as you both
The groom gulped and looked around, and said
in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned
toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought
we had a deal."
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's
hand and whispered: "She made me a better
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at
the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a
rage and says, "And you are no good
in bed either," and storms out of the
house. After sometime he realizes he was
nasty and decides to make amends and calls
She comes to the phone after many rings and
the irritated husband says, "What took
you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
Shouts the doctor.
"Getting a second opinion!"
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed
around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build
his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on
assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached
The man stormed into the house and walked
up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From
now on, I want you to know that I am the
man of this house, and my word is law! I
want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,
and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect
a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after
dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so
I can relax. And when I'm finished with my
bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb
"The funeral director," said his
A wealthy man was having an affair with an
Italian woman for a few years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous,
she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his
marriage, he paid her a large sum of money
if she would go to Italy to have the child.
If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until
the child turned 18.
She agreed, but wondered how he would know
when the baby was born. To keep it discrete,
he told her to mail him a post card, and
write "Spaghetti" on the back.
He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home
to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received
a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain
it later," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband
read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written "Spaghetti,
Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs,