"Ahhh, Finally A Connection."
Just Before I Die
Showing his friend around his his home, Jennings
pointed out all of the collectibles he and
his wife had acquired over their long years
"The day before I die, I'd like to sell
every piece we've got just to see how much
it's all worth."
"Well," his friend replies, "since
you couldn't possibly know the day before
you were going to die, you'll never be able
"And that's where you're wrong,"
the man smiled. "If I sell it, my wife
would kill me!"
Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when
they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that
reads: "For Women Only." Since
they are without their boyfriends and husbands,
they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains
to them how it works. "We have 5 floors.
Go up floor by floor, and once you find what
you are looking for, you can stay there.
It's easy to decide since each floor has
a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor
the sign reads: "All the men on this
floor are short and plain." The friends
laugh and without hesitation move on to the
The sign on the second floor reads: "All
the men here are short and handsome."
Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends
continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads:
"All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing
there are still two floors left, they continued
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect:
"All the men here are tall and handsome."
The women get all excited and are going in
when they realize that there is still one
floor left. Wondering what they are missing,
they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There
are no men here. This floor was built only
to prove that there is no way to please a
Two old men were fishing off a bridge as
they had done daily for many years. Suddenly
a funeral procession came down the road.
The one old man reeled in his line, lain
down his pole, faced the street and bowed
his head until the procession had passed.
He then picked up his pole and started fishing
The other fisherman was amazed and stated
"I didn't know you were that religious."
The other looked at him and said "Least
I could do, we've been married 42 years!"
Three women were sitting around talking about
their sex lives.
The first said, "I think my husband's
like a championship golfer. He's spent the
last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's
like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time
we get into bed he gives me several hundred
The third woman was silent until she was
asked, "Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said, "My
husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning
"He's got his time down to under 40
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour,
and many people were forced to stand. One
particularly cramped woman turned to the
man behind her and said, "Sir, if you
don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm
going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about
miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really," she spat. "Then
you must have some job, because that's the
fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to
his wife. It read:
"Dear wife, You must realize that you
are 54 years old and I have certain needs
which you are no longer able to satisfy.
I am otherwise happy with you as a wife,
and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt
or offended to learn that by the time you
receive this letter, I will be at the Grand
Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant.
I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a
faxed letter waiting for him that read as
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years
old, and by the time you receive this, I
will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the
18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant
mathematician that you are, you can easily
appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54
a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't
First Thing to do after Jail
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years.
The day he got out, his wife and son were
there to pick him up. He came through the
gates and got into the car.
The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's
Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants
to eat first!"
At a local college dance, a guy from America
asked the girl from Sweden to dance.
While they were dancing, he gives her a little
squeeze, and says, "In America, we call
this a hug".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call
it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the
cheek, and says, "In America, we call
this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call
it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of
drinks later, he takes her out on the campus
lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her,
and says, "In America, we call this
a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call
it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put
more meat in it."
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in
each hand and a dozen donuts.