"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading." Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." Rev. Jesse Jackson

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet" Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing
in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms.
They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." Jerry Seinfield

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams

Last Words

A lawyer was trying to console a weeping widow. Her husband had passed away without a will.

"Did the deceased have any last words?" asked the lawyer.

"You mean right before he died?" sobbed the window.

"Yes," replied the lawyer, "they might be helpful if it's not too painful for you to recall."

"Well," she began, "he said 'Don't try to scare me. You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with that gun.'"


Little Willie asked his mother: "Mamma, don't soldiers ever go to heaven?"

"Of course they do!" protested his mother. "What makes you ask?"

"There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw any pictures of angels with beards."

"Oh, that's because most men who go to Heaven get there by a close shave."


10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.


These are real standing laws from around the United States of America.

Alabama: 1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

California: 1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

Connecticut: 1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour. 2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.

Florida: 1. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. 2. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing. 3. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. 4. It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. 5. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

Illinois: 1. It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.

Iowa: 1. Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.

Kentucky: 1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground." 2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.

Louisiana: 1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol. 2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."

Massachusetts: 1. Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches. 2. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked. 3. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public. 4. Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.

Nebraska: 1. A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.

New Mexico: 1. Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.

New York: 1. A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

North Dakota: 1. Beer & pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.

Ohio: 1. Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

Oklahoma: 1. Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog. 2. Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state. 3. Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.

Pennsylvania: 1. A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling. 2. No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.

Rhode Island: 1. It is illegal to throw pickle juice at a trolley.

Texas: 1. A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit. 2. It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

Vermont: 1. Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week -- on Saturday night.

Washington: 1. All lollipops are banned. 2. A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town