FUNNY CELEBRITY QUOTES
"Women might be able to fake orgasms.
But men can fake whole relationships."
"My girlfriend always laughs during
sex---no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt
with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid
problem?" Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball
is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport
for white men dressed like black pimps."
"Capital punishment turns the state
into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the
state into a gay dungeon-master." Rev.
"My mother never saw the irony in calling
me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where
he parks or where he lives, but he never
forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word
meaning to rip out a man's genitals through
his wallet" Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome,
but I think of it as the only time of the
month that I can be myself." Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men
just need a place." Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say
they feel more comfortable undressing in
front of men than they do undressing
in front of other women. They say that women
are too judgmental, where, of course, men
are just grateful." Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors
are reporting that many men are having allergic
reactions to latex condoms.
They say they cause severe swelling. So what's
the problem?" Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's
magazines, because men think, I know what
I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
"Instead of getting married again, I'm
going to find a woman I don't like and just
give her a house." Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives
men a brain and a penis, and only enough
blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams
A lawyer was trying to console a weeping
widow. Her husband had passed away without
"Did the deceased have any last words?"
asked the lawyer.
"You mean right before he died?"
sobbed the window.
"Yes," replied the lawyer, "they
might be helpful if it's not too painful
for you to recall."
"Well," she began, "he said
'Don't try to scare me. You couldn't hit
the broad side of a barn with that gun.'"
SOLDIERS IN HEAVEN
Little Willie asked his mother: "Mamma,
don't soldiers ever go to heaven?"
"Of course they do!" protested
his mother. "What makes you ask?"
"There are so many soldiers with beards
but I never saw any pictures of angels with
"Oh, that's because most men who go
to Heaven get there by a close shave."
SIGNS YOU'RE GETTING TOO OLD FOR TRICK OR
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the
candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your
bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards
mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick
or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag
full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume
that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood
with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives
REAL STATE LAWS
These are real standing laws from around
the United States of America.
Alabama: 1. It is illegal for a driver to
be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
California: 1. Community leaders passed an
ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone
to try and stop a child from playfully jumping
over puddles of water.
Connecticut: 1. You can be stopped by the
police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
2. You are not allowed to walk across a street
on your hands.
Florida: 1. Women may be fined for falling
asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon
owner. 2. A special law prohibits unmarried
women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall
risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing. 3. If
an elephant is left tied to a parking meter,
the parking fee has to be paid just as it
would for a vehicle. 4. It is illegal to
sing in a public place while attired in a
swimsuit. 5. Men may not be seen publicly
in any kind of strapless gown.
Illinois: 1. It is illegal for anyone to
give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other
domesticated animal kept as pets.
Iowa: 1. Kisses may last for as much as,
but no more than, five minutes.
Kentucky: 1. By law, anyone who has been
drinking is "sober" until he or
she "cannot hold onto the ground."
2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream
cone in your pocket.
Louisiana: 1. It is illegal to rob a bank
and then shoot at the bank teller with a
water pistol. 2. Biting someone with your
natural teeth is "simple assault,"
while biting someone with your false teeth
is "aggravated assault."
Massachusetts: 1. Mourners at a wake may
not eat more than three sandwiches. 2. Snoring
is prohibited unless all bedroom windows
are closed and securely locked. 3. An old
ordinance declares goatees illegal unless
you first pay a special license fee for the
privilege of wearing one in public. 4. Taxi
drivers are prohibited from making love in
the front seat of their taxi during their
Nebraska: 1. A parent can be arrested if
his child cannot hold back a burp during
a church service.
New Mexico: 1. Females are strictly forbidden
to appear unshaven in public.
New York: 1. A fine of $25 can be levied
for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits
men from turning around on any city street
and looking "at a woman in that way."
A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude
calls for the violating male to be forced
to wear a "pair of horse-blinders"
wherever and whenever he goes outside for
North Dakota: 1. Beer & pretzels can't
be served at the same time in any bar or
Ohio: 1. Women are prohibited from wearing
patent leather shoes in public.
Oklahoma: 1. Violators can be fined, arrested
or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
2. Females are forbidden from doing their
own hair without being licensed by the state.
3. Dogs must have a permit signed by the
mayor in order to congregate in groups of
three or more on private property.
Pennsylvania: 1. A special cleaning ordinance
bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust
under a rug in a dwelling. 2. No man may
purchase alcohol without written consent
from his wife.
Rhode Island: 1. It is illegal to throw pickle
juice at a trolley.
Texas: 1. A city ordinance states that a
person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining
a special five-dollar permit. 2. It is illegal
to take more than three sips of beer at a
time while standing.
Vermont: 1. Lawmakers made it obligatory
for everybody to take at least one bath each
week -- on Saturday night.
Washington: 1. All lollipops are banned.
2. A law to reduce crime states: "It
is mandatory for a motorist with criminal
intentions to stop at the city limits and
telephone the chief of police as he is entering