Don't You Love Lawyers?


Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.


Q. Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A. Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and night crawlers.


Q. What's the definition of a lawyer?
A. A mouth with a life support system.


Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new car.


Q. Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
A. No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.


Q. What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A. The caterer.


Q. How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A. Other lawyers look interested.


Q. What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.


Q. What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
A. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.


Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A. His lips are moving.


Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.


Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.


Q. If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
A. Who cares?



Q. What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A. You always hear about them, but you never see them.


Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A. Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.



Q. What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A. Jewelry.




Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say


What do you mean today's our anniversary?


Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.


Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!


And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!


Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.


Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.


I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.



Little Johnny


A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny,Pat?"

"I just saw one of your garters!"

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"



Little Johnny


At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the Kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny groaned and responded , "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."



Revenge


A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"



Jerk!

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."

1st Man: "No, it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:

"You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."




Beer


After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King of Beers,’ a Budweiser."

The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren’t you drinking a Molson’s?"

The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I."