ANSWERING MACHINE GREETINGS

Actual answering machine messages recorded and verified by the World famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers:

1.) My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished washing dishes.

2.) A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

3.) Hi, this is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

4.) Hi. Now you say something.

5.) Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

6.) Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

7.) Hello! If you leave a message, I"ll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call sooner.

8.) Hi, John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.... Please speak very slowly while I write down the message and I'll stick it to myself with one of these magnets.

9.) Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

10.) This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

11.) Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message and if I don't call back, it's you.

12.) Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

13.) If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

14.) Hello, you've reached Jim and Carol. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Carol likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.



THINGS YOU DON'T SAY TO A COP

The Top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over:

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the village people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?



SEVEN COURSE DINNERS

What is a student's seven-course dinner?
A six pack of Red Bull and a slice of pizza.

What is ;an American seven-course dinner?
A six pack of Bud Lite and a big Mac.

What is a Scottish seven-course dinner?
Six crumbs of stale bread and a case of whisky.

What is a Chinese seven-course dinner?
Six bowls of rice and a cooked rat.

What is a Japanese seven-course dinner?
A bowl of rice and six raw fish.

What is a Russian seven-course dinner?
A litre of vodka and six turnips.

What is a Mexican seven-course dinner?
A bottle of Tequila and six cockroaches.

What is an Eskimo seven-course dinner?
Six lumps of snow and a baby seal.

What is an Argentine seven-course dinner?
Six cuts of beer and a sprig of parsley.

What is an English seven-course dinner?
Three pints of lager, two packs of crisps, a bag of chips and a donor kebab.

What is an Irish seven-course dinner?
A four-pack of Guinness and a potato.

What is a German seven-course dinner?
Six different beers and a kilo of raw sausage



THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING


"Talk about a huge breast!"


"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."


"It's Cool Whip time!"


"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"


"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"


"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."


"Are you ready for seconds yet?"


"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"


"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"


"Don't play with your meat."


"Just spread the legs open and stuff it in."


"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"


"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"


"You still have a little bit on your chin."


"How long will it take after you stick it in?"


"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."


"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"


"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"


"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"



THERE WAS LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk,
It would hurt when you found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut--you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!



GIVING SAD NEWS TO A TROOP

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"