ANSWERING MACHINE GREETINGS
Actual answering machine messages recorded
and verified by the World famous International
Institute of Answering Machine Answers:
1.) My wife and I can't come to the phone
right now, but if you'll leave your name
and number, we'll get back to you as soon
as we're finished washing dishes.
2.) A is for academics, B is for beer. One
of those reasons is why we're not here. So
leave a message.
3.) Hi, this is John: If you are the phone
company, I already sent the money. If you
are my parents, please send money. If you
are my financial aid institution, you didn't
lend me enough money. If you are my friends,
you owe me money. If you are a female, don't
worry, I have plenty of money.
4.) Hi. Now you say something.
5.) Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering
machine is, so you can talk to it instead.
Wait for the beep.
6.) Hello. I am David's answering machine.
What are you?
7.) Hello! If you leave a message, I"ll
call you soon. If you leave a sexy message,
I'll call sooner.
8.) Hi, John's answering machine is broken.
This is his refrigerator.... Please speak
very slowly while I write down the message
and I'll stick it to myself with one of these
9.) Hello, you are talking to a machine.
I am capable of receiving messages. My owners
do not need siding, windows or a hot tub
and their carpets are clean. They give to
charity through their office and do not need
their picture taken. If you're still with
me, leave your name and number and they will
get back to you.
10.) This is not an answering machine-this
is a telepathic thought-recording device.
After the tone, think about your name, your
reason for calling and a number where I can
reach you, and I'll think about returning
11.) Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding
someone I don't like. Leave a message and
if I don't call back, it's you.
12.) Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't
answer the phone right now. Leave a message
and then wait by your phone until I call
13.) If you are a burglar, then we're probably
at home cleaning our weapons right now and
can't come to the phone. Otherwise we probably
aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.
14.) Hello, you've reached Jim and Carol.
We can't pick up the phone right now, because
we're doing something we really enjoy. Carol
likes doing it up and down, and I like doing
it left to right... real slowly. So leave
a message and when we're done brushing our
teeth we'll get back to you.
THINGS YOU DON'T SAY TO A COP
The Top 20 things not to say to a cop when
he pulls you over:
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar
detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the village people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to
keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively
good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided
to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk,
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked
10. Is it true that people become cops because
they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last
officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay,
just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
Yes, I know there is no other cars around,
that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking?
You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my
bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and
got lodged between the brake and the gas
pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared
to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those
full cavity searches?
SEVEN COURSE DINNERS
What is a student's seven-course dinner?
A six pack of Red Bull and a slice of pizza.
What is ;an American seven-course dinner?
A six pack of Bud Lite and a big Mac.
What is a Scottish seven-course dinner?
Six crumbs of stale bread and a case of whisky.
What is a Chinese seven-course dinner?
Six bowls of rice and a cooked rat.
What is a Japanese seven-course dinner?
A bowl of rice and six raw fish.
What is a Russian seven-course dinner?
A litre of vodka and six turnips.
What is a Mexican seven-course dinner?
A bottle of Tequila and six cockroaches.
What is an Eskimo seven-course dinner?
Six lumps of snow and a baby seal.
What is an Argentine seven-course dinner?
Six cuts of beer and a sprig of parsley.
What is an English seven-course dinner?
Three pints of lager, two packs of crisps,
a bag of chips and a donor kebab.
What is an Irish seven-course dinner?
A four-pack of Guinness and a potato.
What is a German seven-course dinner?
Six different beers and a kilo of raw sausage
THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING
"Talk about a huge breast!"
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
"It's a little dry, do you still want
to eat it?"
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open and stuff
"Do you think you'll be able to handle
all these people at once?"
"I didn't expect everyone to come at
"You still have a little bit on your
"How long will it take after you stick
"You'll know it's ready when it pops
"Wow, I didn't think I could handle
all of that!"
"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
THERE WAS LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk,
It would hurt when you found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut--you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
GIVING SAD NEWS TO A TROOP
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge,
I just got a telegram that Private Jones'
mother died yesterday. Better go tell him
and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation
and lines up all the troops. "Listen
up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson,
report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report
to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest
of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance.
Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report
to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant
into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was
a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother
died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful,
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the
Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just
got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother
died. You'd better go tell him and send him
in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation.
"Ok, men, fall in and listen up."
"Everybody with a mother, take two steps
forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"