Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.
Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
Two wrongs not make right, three lefts do.
Man who pee on electric fence, receive shocking
Do not drink and park, accidents cause people.
Man who get kicked in testicles left holding
He who crosses ocean twice without washing
is dirty double crosser.
Man who have head up ass, have crappy outlook
Man who put head on railroad track to listen
for train likely to end up with splitting
Man who sucks nipples make clean breast of
Baby conceived in back seat of automatic
car grow up to be shiftless bastard.
Man who have hand in pockets not crazy, just
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who sit on tack get point.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways
going to Bangkok.
Find blind man on nude beach, not hard.
Girl who sit on lap of judge get honorable
Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up
with solution in hand.
Man who have hand in pocket not just jingling
Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on
Never raise hands to angry child, it leave
Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
Woman who spends much time on bedspring,
may have offspring.
Woman who dance while wearing jock strap
have make believe ballroom.
Man who make love to exhaust pipe of car
have hot rod.
Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same
pot very unsanitary.
A bird in hand makes it hard to blow nose.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who sneezes without handkerchief takes
matters into his own hands.
Secretary not permanent, till screwed on
Sailor who get discharged from navy leave
Man who snatches kisses when young, kisses
snatches when old.
Girl who sit on lap of jockey get hot tip.
Man who fight with wife all day get no peace
Man who speaks with forked tongue should
not kiss balloons.
Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes
soon burn out.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for
Woman who fly plane upside down have crackup.
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
Epileptic woman who give oral sex may bite
Man and mouse alike, both end up in pussy.
Wife who slides down banister makes monkey
Man who take lady on camping trip, have one
Man who kisses girls behind, gets crack in
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next
to best thing on earth.
Baseball wrong, man with four balls cannot
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
America good place to Put Chinese Restaurant.
It take square ass to shit a brick.
To make egg roll, push it.
To prevent hangover stay drunk!
Man who fall in vat of molten glass make
spectacle of self.
Man who jumps through screen door likely
to strain himself.
Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters
into his own hands.
Man who marries a girl with no bust has right
to feel low down.
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find
him in cathouse.
He who fishes in other man's well often catches
Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.
War not determine who is right, war determine
who is left.
Man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up
with smelly finger.
Okay for shit to happen, will decompose.
Even the greatest of whales is helpless in
middle of desert.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in
doghouse by night.
Short man who dance with tall woman get bust
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who walk middle of road get run over
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who puts pecker in peanut butter jar
is f***ing nuts.
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
Man who kiss epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.
Modern house without toilet uncanny.
It takes many nails to build crib, but one
screw to fill it.
Passionate kiss like spider web, lead to
undoing of fly.
Man who sit on an upturned tack shall surely
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man
give wife upright organ.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who stand on toilet, must be high on
Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over
Man who sleep on railroad tracks wake up
with split personality.
Woman who go to man's apartment for snack
may get tit bit.
Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have
Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find
Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
Girl who douches with vinegar walk around
with sour puss.
Support bacteria, it may be the only culture
some people have.
Virgin like balloon: one prick, all gone.
Procrastination like masturbation, only screw
Man who shoot off mouth, bound to lose face.
Man who keep feet firmly on ground, have
trouble putting on pants.
He who buries a man's wife alive, should
not expect to sit at that man's dinner table
without subject coming up.
People who make Confucius joke speak bad
FREE SEX WITH FILL-UP
There was this gas station in "redneck
country" trying to increase its sales,
so the owner put up a sign saying "Free
Sex with Fill-up." Soon a "redneck"
customer pulled in, filled his tank, and
then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from
(1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly,
he would get his free sex. The buyer then
guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No,
you were close. The number was (7). Sorry,
no free sex this time but maybe next time".
Some time thereafter, the same man, along
with his buddy this time, pulled in again
for a fill-up, and again he asked for his
free sex. The proprietor again gave him the
same story and asked him to guess the correct
number. The man guessed (2) this time, and
the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was
(3). You were close but no free sex this
As they were driving away, the driver said
to his buddy, "I think that game is
rigged and he doesn't give away free sex".
The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged
-- my wife won twice last week."
GENTLER WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE IS STUPID
A few clowns short of a circus
A few fries short of a Happy Meal
An experiment in artificial stupidity
A few beers short of a six-pack
Dumber than a box of hair
A few peas short of a casserole
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl
One taco short of a combo plate
A few feathers short of a whole duck
All foam, no beer
The cheese slid off the cracker
Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel
Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions
on the heel
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every
branch on the way down
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
As smart as bait
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
Doesn't know much but leads the league in
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top
Forgot to pay his brain bill
Her sewing machine's out of thread
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
His belt doesn't go through all the loops
If he had another brain it would be lonely
Missing a few buttons on his remote control
No grain in the silo
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
Receiver is off the hook
Several nuts short of a full pouch
Skylight leaks a little
Surfing in Nebraska
Too much yardage between the goal posts
When to Fart:
1. In your bosses office as you are turning
to leave. Tip-Make sure it's a silent one.
2. In a bathroom
3. In a cashier's line - it might help to
speed up things
4. In an empty elevator before you get off
5. Next to an occupied changing room - it
may quickly become unoccupied.
6. In someone elses unoccupied cubicle at
7. While parachuting
8. While scuba diving
9. In the back seat of a patrol car if you
10. During interrogation if you're the one
11. In your car if you've been carjacked
12. In the changing room when you're sure
someone else is waiting their turn.
13. In your car once you've been pulled over.
The cop may let you go quicker.
14. During a pie eating competition to distract
15. While walking down a crowded hallway.
Nobody will know who to blame.