CONFUCIUS SAYS


Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Man who smoke pot choke on handle.

Two wrongs not make right, three lefts do.

Man who pee on electric fence, receive shocking news.

Do not drink and park, accidents cause people.

Man who get kicked in testicles left holding bag.

He who crosses ocean twice without washing is dirty double crosser.

Man who have head up ass, have crappy outlook on life.

Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.

Man who sucks nipples make clean breast of things.

Baby conceived in back seat of automatic car grow up to be shiftless bastard.

Man who have hand in pockets not crazy, just feeling nuts.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who sit on tack get point.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Find blind man on nude beach, not hard.

Girl who sit on lap of judge get honorable discharge.

Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.

Man who have hand in pocket not just jingling change.

Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth

Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed.

Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.

Woman who spends much time on bedspring, may have offspring.

Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.

Man who make love to exhaust pipe of car have hot rod.

Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary.

A bird in hand makes it hard to blow nose.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who sneezes without handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.

Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.

Sailor who get discharged from navy leave buddies behind.

Man who snatches kisses when young, kisses snatches when old.

Girl who sit on lap of jockey get hot tip.

Man who fight with wife all day get no peace at night.

Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.

Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.

Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Woman who fly plane upside down have crackup.

Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

Epileptic woman who give oral sex may bite big one.

Man and mouse alike, both end up in pussy.

Wife who slides down banister makes monkey shine.

Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.

Man who kisses girls behind, gets crack in face.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

Baseball wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

America good place to Put Chinese Restaurant.

It take square ass to shit a brick.

To make egg roll, push it.

To prevent hangover stay drunk!

Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.

Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.

Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.

War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with smelly finger.

Okay for shit to happen, will decompose.

Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.

Short man who dance with tall woman get bust in mouth.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who walk middle of road get run over by bus.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who puts pecker in peanut butter jar is f***ing nuts.

Man with athletic finger make broad jump.

Man who lay girl on hill not on level.

Man who kiss epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.

Modern house without toilet uncanny.

It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Man who sit on an upturned tack shall surely rise.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who stand on toilet, must be high on pot.

Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.

Man who sleep on railroad tracks wake up with split personality.

Woman who go to man's apartment for snack may get tit bit.

Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have crappy time.

Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.

Girl who douches with vinegar walk around with sour puss.

Support bacteria, it may be the only culture some people have.

Virgin like balloon: one prick, all gone.

Procrastination like masturbation, only screw self.

Man who shoot off mouth, bound to lose face.

Man who keep feet firmly on ground, have trouble putting on pants.

He who buries a man's wife alive, should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without subject coming up.

People who make Confucius joke speak bad English.



FREE SEX WITH FILL-UP

There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."





GENTLER WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE IS STUPID


A few clowns short of a circus

A few fries short of a Happy Meal

An experiment in artificial stupidity

A few beers short of a six-pack

Dumber than a box of hair

A few peas short of a casserole

Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box

The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead

One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl

One taco short of a combo plate

A few feathers short of a whole duck

All foam, no beer

The cheese slid off the cracker

Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel

Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools

As smart as bait

Chimney's clogged

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash

Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor

Forgot to pay his brain bill

Her sewing machine's out of thread

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels

His belt doesn't go through all the loops

If he had another brain it would be lonely

Missing a few buttons on his remote control

No grain in the silo

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse

Receiver is off the hook

Several nuts short of a full pouch

Skylight leaks a little

Slinky's kinked

Surfing in Nebraska

Too much yardage between the goal posts





When to Fart:

1. In your bosses office as you are turning to leave. Tip-Make sure it's a silent one.
2. In a bathroom
3. In a cashier's line - it might help to speed up things
4. In an empty elevator before you get off
5. Next to an occupied changing room - it may quickly become unoccupied.
6. In someone elses unoccupied cubicle at work
7. While parachuting
8. While scuba diving
9. In the back seat of a patrol car if you are arrested
10. During interrogation if you're the one being interrogated
11. In your car if you've been carjacked
12. In the changing room when you're sure someone else is waiting their turn.
13. In your car once you've been pulled over. The cop may let you go quicker.
14. During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors
15. While walking down a crowded hallway. Nobody will know who to blame.