Look, ....No Tan Lines!
Top 10 Signs That Your Too Drunk.
10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep
from falling off the Earth.
9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking
8. The back of your head keeps getting hit
by the toilet seat.
7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
6. You can focus better with one eye closed.
5. You fall off the floor.
5. The whole bar greets you when you come
4. You haven't had a driver's license in
such a long time that you have forgotten
what one looks like.
3. Roseanne looks good.
2. You don't recognize your wife/husband
unless seen through bottom of glass.
1. You spent more time on the floor than
you do standing up.
There was an elderly man who wanted to make
his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to
the doctor to have a sperm count done. The
doctor told him to take a specimen cup home,
fill it, and bring it back the next day.
The elderly man came back the next day and
the specimen cup was empty and the lid was
on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly
man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing.
So, I tried with my left hand...nothing.
My wife tried with her right hand...nothing.
Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing.
Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand,
left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor:
Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend
too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't
get the lid off of the specimen cup.
One morning a woman was walking out of her
front door, when she notices a strange little
man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin," she says, "I
caught you and you owe me three wishes!".
So the goblin replies "OK, you caught
me fair and square, what's your first wish?".
The woman stops and thinks for a second,
"I want a huge mansion to live in.",
goblins replies "OK, you've got it.".
Woman again thinks it over, "My second
wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've
got that too." "My last wish is
a million dollars!". The goblin then
says "OK, you've got it. But to make
your wishes come true you have to have sex
all night with me." "OK then, if
that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman
"Tell me," says the man, "how
old are you?" "I'm 27", she
"WOW", says the man, "27 and
you still believe in goblins"
An Amish boy and his father were visiting
a mall. They were amazed by almost everything
they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver
walls that could move apart and back together
again. The boy asked his father, "What
is this, Father?" The father [never
having seen an elevator] responded "Son,
I have never seen anything like this in my
life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching
wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled
up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between
them into a small room. The walls closed
and the boy and his father watched small
circles of lights with numbers above the
walls light up. They continued to watch the
circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful
24-year-old woman stepped out. The father
said to his son, "Go get your mother."
At a jewelry store, a young man bought an
expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend.
"Don't you want her name engraved upon
it?" asked the jeweler. The young man
thought for a moment, and then, ever the
pragmatic, steadfastly replied,
"No, just engrave it: To My One And
Only Love. That way, if we break up and she
throws it back to me in anger, I can use
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny
on the plane when the stranger turned to
the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk.
I've heard that flights will go quicker if
you strike up a conversation with your fellow
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book,
closed it slowly, and said to the stranger,
"What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger.
"How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That
could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first. "A horse,
a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same
stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets,
while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a
horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why
do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I
have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny,
"How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know