"A Man Walks Into A Bar........"
A man walks into a bar, orders the bartender
for two beers. He continues this for several
nights and the bartender got a bit curious.
The bartender walks up to him and asks "Sir,
why do you always ask for two drinks?"
the man replies, "I used to come here
with my best friend but now he's dead. And
I'm drinking the second beer on his behalf."
A few days later, the man orders only for
1 beer. Curious, the bartender asks him,"
why only 1 beer now sir?" man replies,
"I have given up drinking!"
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender,
"If I show you a really good trick,
will you give me a free drink?" The
bartender considers it, then agrees. The
man reaches into his pocket and pulls out
a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket
and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches,
cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play
After the man finished his drink, he asked
the bartender, "If I show you an even
better trick, will you give me free drinks
for the rest of the evening?" The bartender
agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly
be better than the first. The man reaches
into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls
out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks
his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls
out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing
along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages,
a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00
for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the
man replies, "he's not for sale."
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00
cash up front. "No," he insists,
"he's not for sale." The stranger
again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00
cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the
frog over to the stranger in exchange for
"Are you insane?" the bartender
demanded. "That frog could have been
worth millions to you, and you let him go
for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry
about it." the man answered. "The
frog was really nothing special. You see,
the rat's a ventriloquist."
Two blondes in a bar are watching the TV.
There is a news report about a man who threatens
to jump off a 5 story building unless the
cops give him 3000 dollars. One blond at
the bar says to the other: "I bet you
100 bucks the guy jumps". The other
blond takes the bet, and the guy on the TV
ends up jumping. The blond hands over the
$100, but the winner gives it back, saying
that she had already seen the guy jump on
the earlier showing. The loser says "Well
I saw it too but I didn't think he would
Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll.
One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua.
As they sauntered down the street, the guy
with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's
go over to that bar and get something to
drink." The guy with the Chihuahua said,
"We can't go in there. We've got dogs
The one with the Doberman said, "Just
follow my lead." They walked over to
the bar and the guy with the Doberman put
on a pair of dark glasses and started to
walk into the bar. The bouncer at the door
said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman said, "You
don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?"
The man said, "Yes, they're using them
now. They're very good." The bouncer
said, "OK then, come on in." The
buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try
it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses
and started to walk into the bar. He knew
his story would be a bit more unbelievable.
Once again the bouncer said,
"Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The man with the Chihuahua said, "You
don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua said, "A
Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me
a damn Chihuahua???"
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman
at a bar. After a number of drinks, they
agree to go back to his place. As they are
making out in the bedroom, he stands up and
starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his
muscular arms and says, "See that, baby?
That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She
begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's
pose, and says, referring to his bulging
thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000
pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for
action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after
a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs
screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave
and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite
and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were
about to blow!"
A man comes home from an exhausting day at
work, plops down on the couch in front of
the television, and tells his wife, "Get
me a beer before it starts." The wife
sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes
later, he says, "Get me another beer
before it starts." She looks cross,
but fetches another beer and slams it down
next to him. He finishes that beer and a
few minutes later says, "Quick, get
me another beer, it's going to start any
minute." The wife is furious. She yells
at him "Is that all you're going to
do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of
that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken,
fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man
sighs and says, "It's started ..."
An artist asked the gallery owner if there
had been any interest in his paintings currently
on display. "I've got good news and
bad news," the owner replied. "The
good news is that a gentleman inquired about
your work and wondered if it would appreciate
in value after your death. When I told him
it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist
exclaimed, "What's the bad news?".
With concern, the gallery owner replied,
"The guy was your doctor."
A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle
of holiday shopping. An honest, little boy
noticed her drop the handbag, so he picked
it up and returned it to her. The lady looked
into her handbag and commented, "Hmm...
That's funny. When I lost my bag there was
a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1
bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's
right, lady. The last time I found a purse,
the owner didn't have any change for a reward."
Two old ladies have played bridge together
for many years, and naturally they have gotten
to know each other pretty well. One day,
during a game of cards, one lady suddenly
looks up at the other and says, "I realize
we've known each other for many years, but
for the life of me, I just can't bring it
to mind... would you please tell me your
name again, dear?" There is dead silence
for a couple of minutes, then the other lady
responds, "How soon do you need to know?"
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop
and asks, "How long before I can get
a haircut?" The barber looks around
the shop and says, "About two hours."
The guy leaves. A few days later, the same
guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
"How long before I get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop full of
customers and says, "About two hours."
The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy
sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How
long before I can get a haircut?" The
barber looks around the shop an says, "About
an hour and half." The guy leaves. The
barber looks over at a friend in the shop
and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy
and see where he goes." In a little
while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing
hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill,
where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looked up and said, "To your house."