Finally, Stable Gas Prices!
Classic Jokes - Heard These Before?... Maybe!
The local bar was so sure that its bartender
was the strongest man around that they offered
a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would
squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into
a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of
juice out would win the money. Many people
had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen,
etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into
the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester
suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "
I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter
had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed
a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed
the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little
But the crowd's laughter turned to total
silence as the man clenched his fist around
the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid
the $1000, and asked the little man "what
do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack,
a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied
"I work for the IRS."
A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody
who wants to go to heaven, stand up."
Everybody stands up except for a drunk in
the corner. The preacher says "My son,
don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"
The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I
thought you were taking a load up now."
A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel
in his pants. The Bartender says, "Why
do have a steering wheel in your pants?"
The man replies " I don't know but its
driving me nuts".
Once there was a millionaire, who collected
live alligators. He kept them in the pool
in back of his mansion. The millionaire also
had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day, the millionaire decides to throw
a huge party, and during the party he announces,
"My dear guests, I have a proposition
to every man here. I will give one million
dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can
swim across this pool full of alligators
and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he
finished his last word, there was the sound
of a large splash in the pool. The guy in
the pool was swimming with all his might,
and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally,
he made it to the other side of the pool
The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That
was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think
it could be done! Well, I must keep my end
of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or
the one million dollars?" The guy catches
his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't
want your money! And I don't want your daughter!
I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!"
There was a boy who worked in the produce
section of a super market. A man came in
and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy told him that they only sold whole
heads of lettuce, but the man replied that
he did not need a whole head, only half.
The boy explained that he would have to ask
the manager and so he walked into the back
room and said, "There is some jerk out
there who wants to buy only a half a head
of lettuce." As he finished saying this,
he turned around to find the man standing
right behind him, so he quickly added, "And
this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager okayed the request and the man
went on his way. Later on the manager said
to the boy, "You almost got yourself
in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say
I was impressed with the way you got out
of it. You think on your feet and we like
that around here. Where are you from, son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir."
"Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?"
inquired the manager. The boy replied, "They're
all just whores and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed
the manager. The boy instantly replied, "Really!
What team did she play for?"
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes
to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward,
the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm
afraid I have some very bad news," the
doctor says. "You're dying, and you
don't have much time left." "Oh,
that's terrible!" says the man. "How
long have I got?" "Ten," the
doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man
asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on
a field trip to their local police station
where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin
board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One
of the youngsters pointed to a picture and
asked if it really was the photo of a wanted
person. "Yes," said the policeman.
"The detectives want very badly to capture
him." Little Johnny asked, "Why
didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was
out on the interstate for a nice evening
drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing
through what was left of his hair, and he
decided to open her up. As the needle jumped
up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red
and blue lights behind him. "There's
no way they can catch a BMW," he thought
to himself and opened her up further. The
needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of
the situation hit him. "What the heck
am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license
without a word, and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end
of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I
don't feel like more paperwork, so if you
can give me an excuse for your driving that
I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last
week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid
you were trying to give her back." "Have
a nice weekend," said the officer.
The new employee stood before the paper shredder
looking confused. "Need some help?"
a secretary, walking by, asked. "Yes,"
he replied, "how does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the
fat report from his hand and feeding it into
the shredder. "Thanks, but where do
the copies come out?"