Divorce

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, May I help you?

The farmer said, Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.

The attorney said, Well do you have any grounds

The farmer said, Yea, I got about 140 acres. The attorney said, No, you don't understand, do you have a case?

The farmer said, No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere.

The attorney said, No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?

The farmer said, Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere.

The attorney said, No sir, I mean do you have a suit?

The farmer said, Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.

The exasperated attorney said, Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?

The farmer said, No sir, we both get up about 4:30.

Finally, the attorney says, Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?

And the farmer says, Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.


From Alabama

It was the first day of Third Grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50.
Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well;
he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done.
His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son." The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet.
It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end.
That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son."
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed".
This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked.
"No, Son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."


If Only

A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling
a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and says, "Mother, if this could give
milk, we could get rid of the cow."

His hand then travels down to her
crotch, and he says, "Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."

His wife then reaches over and grabs his penis. "Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother".


Fatal Accidents

National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"


Stupid Boyfriend

A redneck father confronted his daughter one night. "I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it."

"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."


Drinking And Driving

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar, up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label, and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on his forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," said Earl. "We're on the patch."


10 Reasons Not To Jog

1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.

2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.