A farmer walked into an attorney's office
wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney
asked, May I help you?
The farmer said, Yea, I want to get one of
The attorney said, Well do you have any grounds
The farmer said, Yea, I got about 140 acres.
The attorney said, No, you don't understand,
do you have a case?
The farmer said, No, I don't have a Case,
but I have a John Deere.
The attorney said, No you don't understand,
I mean do you have a grudge?
The farmer said, Yea I got a grudge, that's
where I park my John Deere.
The attorney said, No sir, I mean do you
have a suit?
The farmer said, Yes sir, I got a suit. I
wear it to church on Sundays.
The exasperated attorney said, Well sir,
does your wife beat you up or anything?
The farmer said, No sir, we both get up about
Finally, the attorney says, Okay, let me
put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?
And the farmer says, Well, I can never have
a meaningful conversation with her.
It was the first day of Third Grade in a
new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his
teacher went around the room and asked each
of the students to count to 50.
Some did very well, counting as high as 30
or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't
get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely
he counted past 50, right up to 100 without
any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran
home and told his Dad how well he had done.
His Dad nodded and told him, "That's
because you are from Alabama, Son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher
asked the students to recite the alphabet.
It's Grade Three, so most could make it half
way through without much trouble. Some made
it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off
the alphabet perfectly right to the end.
That evening, Johnny once again bragged to
his Dad about his prowess in his new school.
His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's
because you are from Alabama, Son."
The next day, after Physical Education, the
boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that,
compared to the other boys in his grade,
he seemed overly "well-endowed".
This confused him. That night he told his
dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny
ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs.
Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he
"No, Son," explained his Dad,
"That's because you're 18."
A farmer and his wife were laying in bed
one night, the farmer feeling
a little frisky, reaches over and gives his
wife's breast a little feel and says, "Mother,
if this could give
milk, we could get rid of the cow."
His hand then travels down to her
crotch, and he says, "Mother, if this
could give eggs, we could get rid of the
His wife then reaches over and grabs his
penis. "Father, if this could stay hard,
we could get rid of your brother".
National Transportation Safety Board recently
divulged they had funded a project with the
US auto makers for the past five years. The
NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the
auto makers were installing black boxes in
four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort
to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances
in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the
50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2%
of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only the state of Texas was different, where
89.3% of the final words were, "Hey
Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
A redneck father confronted his daughter
one night. "I don't like that new boyfriend,
he's rough and common and bloody stupid with
"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied,
"Fred's ever so clever, we've only been
going out nine weeks and he's cured me of
that illness I used to get once a month."
Drinking And Driving
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving
down the road drinking a couple of bottles
of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey
thar, up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!!
We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said.
"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin'
these beers, peel off the label, and stick
it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles
under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?"
Well, they finished their beers, threw the
empty bottles under the seat, and each put
a label on his forehead. When they reached
the roadblock, the sheriff asked, "You
boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir," said Earl. "We're
on the patch."
10 Reasons Not To Jog
1. My grandmother started walking five miles
a day when she was 60. She's 97 now &
we don't know where the heck she is.
2. The only reason I would take up jogging
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3. I joined a health club last year, spent
about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently
you have to show up.
4. I have to exercise in the morning before
my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant
us to touch our toes, he would have put them
further up our body.
6. I like long walks, especially when they
are taken by people who annoy me.
7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately
my stomach covers them.
8. The advantage of exercising every day
is that you die healthier.
9. If you are going to try cross-country
skiing, start with a small country.
10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right
out of my glass.